Single and not ready to mingle

I broke up with my partner of a year and a half about a month ago, and her and I just met up to talk and pass some belongings back and forth to each other. To sort some matters out financially and most importantly mentally emotionally and spiritually. All in all the talk went way better than I thought it would. But it wasn’t perfect.

Mannnn its hard to let go. There was a moment when I almost fell back into old patterns of oh this could work, if you just do this, or I just do this. I almost fell back into trying to do what someone else wants and saying something I thought they wanted to hear instead of just being honest with them.

I have caused her so much hurt from this though. I have caused me hurt from this. Im sure I have caused a lot of people hurt from this.

PEOPLE WANT THE TRUTH! GIVE EM THE TRUTH!

Something Cami and I connected on most and more than I ever have in a relationship before is God. She not only helped me to be confident in my beliefs, she helped me build a better relationship with God than I ever had.

When we started dating I was half a year into my sobriety and was struggling with the concept of truly believing in a higher power and developing regular connection.

I believe God puts everything and everyone in our lives for us. God loves us on unconditionally it feels like because we have options. We can choose to take action on love or hate, one of which promotes suffering. We can choose to love what comes to us or hate it/try to change it. Regardless we have options and will.

Will to show up with love whether we get what we want or not. Will to turn to God and say thank you for anything and everything you have. To pray for what It is you want and listen and be open to Gods plan instead of your own.

Let go.

I have learned to let go.

at least this time.

and hope to have the power for more in the future.

It was hard and Im not doing amazing right now. Its really hard to loose your best friend, travel buddy, and someone you think you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. It’s hard to watch someone you love and care about be so upset because they don’t get what they want. Its hard to choose what feels right when it causes pain. However pain is a part of the healing I believe now, and sometimes I have mixed it up with suffering.

Pain is mandatory, suffereing is optional.

Acceptance.

I have acceptance. But with that is pain.

I accept Im not okay.

I accept Im going to feel lonely and lost.

I accept that I can choose to let everything and every moment lead me into love or hate.

I accept that I love Cami and have to let her go for my own sake. This is brutal. The truth hurts, but it already feels better than staying in something that began to feel wrong. It feels better to be balling tears as I write this than it did to make myself small and passive.

It feels better to thank God in moments of pain than to curse him and ask why.

It is hard to say thank you amidst pain. Its hard to get triggered and still show up with love.

Im not perfect but I am getting better. I see the progress in my life.

Thank you God for everything and everyone.

Thank you for this experience and thank you for these feelings.

Thank you God.

Thank you God

God please help me to turn to love every step of the way. Every moment.

God help me to share my truth.

God help me to feel this pain, instead of numbing it or distracting myself.

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Ahh man this is tough. it was tough. and now its tough to press the publish button.

Ahhhhhhhhhh nice big breath. I’ve got options. I have choice.

I choose love over fear.

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I hope if you read this you found something that benefits your life. I hope you even just take a deep breath and relax into yourself for a moment.

Thank you, you are loved. You are enough. You can do this. Trust the process.